Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
