Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
