Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Randomize
