Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
