I accidentally had phone sex last night
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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