my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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