so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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