drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
