genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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