Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Randomize
