Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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