I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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