i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize