I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
