I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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