That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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