she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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