She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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