do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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