she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
