two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Randomize
