I'm lost and stupid without you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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