tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
