I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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