you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
