what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize