I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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