There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
