I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
