My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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