Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize