Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
