Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize