I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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