Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
