Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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