your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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