is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
