Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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