just come out here and I will go home with you...
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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