Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So vagazzling was a success
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
You don't make any sense
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