Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
