the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
