A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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