I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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