Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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