I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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