you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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