dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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