one two three fourrrrnication!
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
