The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
