If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
