Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
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