You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
we're so committed to being not committed
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
