M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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