Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
