My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
