I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
